The Fashion Project

Part 3: To Hijab or not to Hijab.......?

Many of you may remember my constant anxiety about whether or not to continue wearing hijab once I arrived in the United States. I had many concerns about it, only a few of which were the reaction of my family, the reaction of the community, and my ability to get a job.

I am sure this will disappoint some of you, but after talking extensively about it with my husband, and praying on it, and thinking about it every single day for two months, I ultimately chose not to wear it at first. Part of the reason I've been lax in blogging (aside from job hunting issues and computer issues, see Rants 1-2), is that I haven't taken any hijab pictures in the US because I haven't been wearing it.

The reason I first started wearing it was because my husband wanted me to. That is the real truth of it. But after I started wearing it everyday, wearing it to work, and immersing myself in an online hijab community, I began to value it for its own sake, and not just think of it as something I had to do. It didn't take long for this transition to take place. After a while, I felt more confident than ever, I felt more feminine and prettier. I know that isn't exactly what is in mind when we consider wearing it, but I think its important to be honest with ourselves about our motivations and reactions. I think wearing hijab makes women more beautiful, and some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen were in hijab.

I've struggled the last 5 years to "fit in" in a country where I stuck out because of my appearance. In the US before I went to Japan, I struggled to "fit in" in a changing society whose values I didn't share. So, you could say that I've struggled a lot about the issue of appearance. I was never pretty enough, thin enough, fit enough, etc etc etc. But when I wore the hijab in Japan, it really helped me to stop caring about all of that, and to define my own style, because I was doing something utterly different from everyone else around me. And I wasn't going to fit in anyway.

In the US now, it's a totally different story. I'm not in a situation where looks matter so much (like high school, gag), and now that I'm older and married, I don't consider looks to have the impact I used to think they did. I still maintain a modest dress, including long sleeves, high neck on shirts, long pants or long skirts, loose fit, etc. The only concession I made was to take off the hijab.

Now that I'm here and I'm experiencing life in a new way from what I remember, I'm struggling with whether or not to put the hijab back on. I know my family wouldn't like it, but now that I'm here I can explain it to them and let them get used to it without giving them a terrible shock. I can't seem to find a job anyway, so perhaps it won't make much of a difference. I've seen several women in hijab working at the mall, which at once made me feel proud and guilty. If they could do it, why couldn't I do it? My husband said to take my time and do it when I'm ready, even if that is years from now. So I have his support either way. But what does my heart really tell me to do?

I don't know. In some ways, my life in simpler without wearing it, and my appearance is so average that I don't harbor any attention when I go places, which is such a relief to me, that I hesitate to do something that will draw attention. In Japan I couldn't walk down the street without people staring, and in Bangladesh I often wore a mask to obscure my appearance. But here in good ol' Michigan, no one cares. I'm just another average Joe. And I really like that feeling.

In other ways, I miss it terribly. I miss the feeling of security and specialness, I miss making outfits with it, I miss being part of the community. I miss doing my blog pictures, and I miss all the creativity it inspired in me. Above all, I miss how it made me feel. But am I being nostalgic, or am I really missing something that made my life better?

I'm considering making a major life change and going back to school, something that will take me several years and totally change how I see myself and the rest of my life. Perhaps after I make that decision and begin that path, I will be ready to decide about this part.